A College Student's "Dear Santa..." Letter
Dear Santa, Let’s be clear here – I gave up on believing in you a long time ago. Nevertheless, I figured why not give this whole “Dear Santa” letter thing another try? If this year has included nothing remotely positive, it has at least taught me that even the inconceivable is possible. If you don’t exist, this stays between me and the post office staff. If you do exist, I receive things at no cost, with the exception being my pride. I present to you the ultimate college student wish list. Qualification: we’re still kids in the ways that matter. We are always hungry, have trouble feeding ourselves, will sleep anywhere, deeply fear doctor visits, and may cry at the slightest provocation. Let’s be honest: you’re looking at a generation of people taught little to no useful skills in 12 years of grade school. We use “adult” as a verb. We need you way more than you need us. Help a student out, Santa. 1. Motivation Darkness comes earlier each day, and the world around us is becoming a cold, unbearable wasteland—just Mother Nature’s way of reminding us of our impending doom. Finals are coming. Kindly plant subliminal messaging into our next Netflix binge that will reach far past our dead-eyed gaze into our souls, where that last shriveled, shaking Voldermort-like vestige of hope and motivation exists. Maybe then we’ll have the slimmest chances of surviving these last papers, exams and projects in one piece. 2. Employment Give me a J! Give me an O! Give me a B! What does that spell? An exhausting hunt that will ultimately end with recent graduates living at home on our parents’ couches since they turned our bedroom into a Fifty Shades of Grey BDSM dungeon. If you could somehow send a career with a living wage, upward mobility, full health benefits and the promise that we won’t go full “Office Space” or “Fight Club” within 10 years of working there our way, we would greatly appreciate it. 3. Stop complaining about Starbucks cups, thanks Listen Santa, we live in a world where the color of a coffee cup can make or break someone’s holiday spirit. It’s apparently that important. So, in order that we may call a ceasefire in the battle between cup aficionados, could you maybe solicit a guarantee from the Starbucks CEO that there will always be red cups into which kind baristas pour our overpriced coffee? If you need a swatch, I suggest a red with slight pinkish hues. Particularly that red shade denoting embarrassment, like when an elderly family member shouts something racist across the dinner table, or that angry shade of red when your handsy gaggle of aunts ask you for the millionth time “When are you going to settle down?” Ah, the holidays. Also, whatever Starbucks employee thought up the Unity Cup, pat them on the back. Two for you, Starbucks employee. You go Starbucks employee.
4. More celebrity feuds (yes, I’m a little ashamed) There’s nothing more likely to renew your faith that money does not make the world go ‘round than a good ole celebrity feud, and this year has been iconic. Whether the most hated person is Taylor Swift, Kanye West, Piers Morgan or someone else, this year has resulted in some A+ Twitter commentary. When mo money actually equals mo problems, our plebian lifestyle seems pretty peachy. 5. May the memes wars prevail I’ll let you in on a secret. When we spend endless hours scrolling through social media as opposed to working on our assignments, we aren’t consumed with some burning desire to drown ourselves in the monotony of our friends’ recent breakdown, relationship status, political views or opinions on the most recent celebrity scandal. Oh, no. So what keeps us coming back time after time? Dank. Memes. Memes are a tiny glimmer of hope in the darkness. The cure-all to a proverbial dumpster-fire of a semester. The shade you’ve always wanted to throw, but never quite knew how. Why waste our breath, emotional stamina and risk early-onset carpal tunnel, when a picture is worth a thousand words and a crying Kim Kardashian perfectly describes our reaction to seeing our GPA? This is the next great American pastime – Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of the Dankest Memes. Competition is fierce, and each dank meme, better than the last. May the odds be ever in your favor. While the majority of these requests are ephemeral and intangible, there is one thing you can leave under our trees this year as you shimmy down the chimney (By the way, how does that work, exactly? Do you grease the way with a few (maybe six?) cups of eggnog, or are you forgoing milk and cookies this year for some Gwyneth Paltrow-esque health fad? Asking for a friend). We need a lifetime supply of alcohol, preferably something sweet, and best served cold like vengeance as opposed to bitter, like every voter casting their ballot in this year’s election. With this generous gift, we can at least “wine” our way through however many years we have left on earth. If 2016 is a precursor of what’s to come, we'll need it. I shall leave a glass of milk and a packet of double-stuffed Oreos, as expected. I won’t tell old Gwynnie, pinky swear. Treat yo self. Signed, An anxious college student P.S. - A few words of advice: stay away from any treat that looks homemade, particularly in a hipster-like domicile. With legalization laws in the works, spirits will most definitely be high and cookies won’t be the only things getting baked for the holidays. Fly responsibly, Santa.
